Fatty Fat Fatass, but hey I got Boobs

Oh sweet Irony, the fat girl with "anorexic" issues. Tis true though. This is New Years Resolution season and most people go with lose weight. I know I am. I was horrified at what I have become size wise. I hate it. I loathe myself. Every minute I am awake and some while dreaming, it is on my mind. I am so fat. Then again my whole life I thought I was fat, but this time I truly am. I was raised to believe outside beauty was most important, than "no one wants to marry a fatass", and I was cursed to be short with huge thighs I should hate. I was lovingly taught to find and hate every flaw. My parent taught me that I have horrible freckles, fat thighs, frizzy hair, too pale, too dark haired, too short, big nosed, and huge butt. I was taught a very complicated love and hate of food and fatness. I wasn't allowed sweets but given buttery french style meals. I would hide M&M's inside socks in my dresser. I was told even at 95 lbs. my thighs and butt were huge. Starting in middle school I would refuse to wear shorts and opted for the approved sweatpants as we had mandatory uniforms for gym in all schools I attended. I would also choose long skirts for choir. I also opted not to shower in gym and the idea of anyone seeing my "fat" body was to horrific (and lucky for me I didn't sweat). By 20 I had perfected jogging and living on Mountain Dew and 4 bites of food. I had a 21 inch waist and wore 10/12 hild's size, yet still felt I had a huge butt. By 23 though I started gaining due to a job that involved sitting and better meals. I got to a comfortable weight. By 27 I began to put on more weight that I should. Eating right and working out did nothing. I tried to find out why, but no luck with Doctors. Coworkers then would let me know I was fat and should lose weight to look good again, so classy! Skip ahead to my pregnancy which was already high risk, and my gallbladder went nuts. I ended up losing 20 lbs and had to deliver early because of severe puking and weight loss. I was so skinny again I was in a bikini 6 weeks later. It was awesome, then in one month- just 30 days I gained 40+lbs. Then it just kept coming. Got my new Doctor who said it was my Thyroid and stress (job loss, other chronic health issues, house loss, moving). Since then I have ballooned. Meds have been tried. I finally have quit gaining which the Doc said is a victory, but doesn't feel like one when I am round. Now to 2013. I want to get to a comfortable size, but have to be careful how I get there. I am eating better and have my recubant bike thingy. Hubby and I will add in more walking. I just hope I can get to a place where I don't loathe myself and fear going out in public. Next topic will be shallow I promise. :)